The Armor

To the person who had been my constant supporter, my real best friend, my soul mate, my partner, my wife.

I know the five years that we had together since we got married is a roller coaster of events and emotions. I admit that most of it is my fault.

We started our life together believing that we will be able to survive any adversities that will come as long as we are there for each other. And we did. We want to show the world that we can build our own home without much help and supervision from our parents. And we did. Its just like only you and me braving the world.

We were happy living our new found life with with our son.

A big storm came and shook us from our quiet life. I feel the burden of the responsibility i know i am not supposed to carry. I made the decision that will change the course of our life. I made it without consulting you knowing that you will never agree.

I know you were hurt, felt neglected. But that was the best decision i could make at that time. You supported me anyway, you never complained though i know there's doubt in you. As a wife to her husband, you had given me your trust.

The three long years had proven me how much you love me and showed importance even to my family. You cared more than i care for them. We made sacrifices. You never complained.

Our prayers had been answered. The three long trying years ended and we were back together. But then there's something wrong. We were supposed to be happy as the way we are three years ago.

At first i haven't noticed. Until you were overwhelmed and can no longer keep it. You burst it out straight in my face.

I wont admit that I changed. That I am not the same husband that left three years ago.

I know how much it hurt you that after years of separation, years of longing, years of uncertainty of when will we be together again, a husband who is silent, lost in thoughts, moody and insensitive came back instead.

I pondered on these words for days searching for the light to shed on the questions WHY?

God knows how happy I am being with you right now. That the time I was away was spent with sleepless nights and longing for you and our son. That every Sunday when kids at church march at the end of the mass for blessing, I'm holding back my tears while envisioning that our son is marching with them. That on every couples blessing, how I wish we are with them holding our hands walking to the altar. That every night when I hug my tear drenched pillow i am dreaming that it was you i am hugging instead.

I promised you fidelity and i kept it.

Being back with you again is priceless. Yet the happiness and love i feel seemed cannot pass through this thick armor i am wearing.

The armor i built on our trying times. The armor that helped and protected me not to be vulnerable, the armor that hid my weaknesses, the armor that taught me not to trust and expect anything on anybody so as not to be disappointed. The armor that made me trust only three persons in my three years of being away from you ( my self and two other very good persons who earned my trust and respect). The armor that helped me hide whatever i feel since showing of emotion is a sign of weakness in my battlefield of temptations, anxiety, paranoia and uncertainty.

I think i made a pretty strong and thick armor for it really served its purpose. It protected and hid the weak and scared warrior inside.

Now that I'm back with you, this armor is no longer needed.

I need to take it off for its already suffocating me. It suffocates and I'm afraid that it will eventually kill our relationship.

I'm asking for your help. Please help me break this armor. Help me for I alone cannot do it.

If hurting and breaking me is necessary in the process, lets do it anyway. I just wanted to be back to the same sweet, sensitive and dependable husband that you were once proud of having.